I know there are a load of vitally important and challenging matters to occupy the mind at the moment and my mind is usually duly occupied. But I have come home feeling a little distracted.

pizzaI had an appointment in London this morning and came out of it needing something to eat. I nipped into a place where I could get something cheap and easy and ordered a pizza (‘piccante’, if you must know). When I got in there I was the only customer, but within ten minutes the place had filled up. The waiter came over to ask if everything was OK at a point where I was about a third of the way through the pizza. Instead of asking me what I thought, he ventured to comment that I was cutting the pizza ‘in an unusual way’. I thought he was joking and asked if there is a ‘right’ way to cut pizza. He said he wasn’t sure, but the way I was doing it wasn’t it.

I turned to the two women on the next table and asked if they knew the ‘right’ way to cut a pizza. They had overheard the conversation with the waiter and were laughing. One woman said she didn’t, but she did know the way I was doing it wasn’t the ‘right’ way.

So, now I am bemused and confused… and a bit worried. Life is complicated enough without discovering at my age that I have a pizza-eating disorder. I had no idea there were rules about such things. I start round the adges and work in – on the grounds that the edges go hard as the pizza cools and so are best eaten early. But, I now wonder if I should be slicing from the outside towards the centre in triangular movements.

Does anyone know the rules for slicing/eating pizza? And are there rules for other areas of life that I haven’t yet come across? I have this dread that I might have been committing other social faux-pas for decades and nobody has had the courage to tell me.

Should deodorant go on the left armpit before the right? Should one put the right leg into the bath before or after the left?

Or am I losing the big picture and thus setting up a parable of how not to keep things in perspective?