The problem with being away is that you get out of touch with some of the news that is important at home… and completely ignorable beyond Calais.

Wayne Rooney has had a hair transplant apparently. Why? When I caught a glimpse of his new look (complete with bloody weals), I thought he was trying to look like me. But mine’s disappearing fast and I couldn’t be happier. OK, I’m thirty years older than Wayne and had a much longer innings on the hair front. But, I love the fact that my lack of hair means:

  • cheap haircuts (£3-6 in Bradford area)
  • very low maintenance
  • no worry about bits sticking up
  • no danger of the comb-over blowing in the wind.

I remember Tony Campolo (balder than a totally hairless coot – whatever that is) quoting research that demonstrated the link between virility and hair loss. He observed: ” If you guys want to use your hormones to grow hair, that’s up to you!”

Er… yes… exactly.