What is a ‘friend’? I know that sounds a stupid question on the face of it, but it is bugging me.
We’ve just been having conversations about contemporary culture in Germany and England and the pressures facing (particularly) young people in societies that are changing rapidly. It has been an informed, challenging and stimulating conversation – it always is when you engage with people from a different culture – and I have more questions than answers. But, then I came across the Guardian article about a Japanese guy who runs an agency for providing ‘rent-a-friend’ facilities for lonely Japanese.
Well, given Japanese culture and some of the factors mentioned in the article, the creation of a false friend agency might not be totally surprising – even if it is somewhat depressing. But this chimed in with something we were talking about during the Communications Conference in Rome last week: why does Facebook tell you you have ‘friends’ when they are nothing of the sort?
At best most of them are virtual acquaintances. And what sort of friendship do we encourage when we use the word ‘friend’ to describe a relationship in which you can simply delete someone who offends or bores you? How does that help grow people to work at relationships, cope with disappointment, learn to forgive and be forgiven, and so on?
I realise this is sounds like miserable nostalgia-seeking. However, I am not against new ways of building communities or getting people to relate to each other. Indeed, I think new media and social networking facilities are opening up all sorts of new possibilities for relating. But I am not sure that diluting notions of friendship by the shallow use of the word ‘friend’ in such fickle contexts is helpful to concepts of healthy relationships.
I guess I am saying that a friend has to be known. And you can’t know someone you don’t know – or can easily dismiss if the relationship ceases to please you.
So, we shouldn’t sneer at the Japanese initiative unless we also address the weaknesses in our own culture.
Nick Baines's Blog 
September 20, 2009 at 11:40 pm
Thank you for a very thought-provoking post.
I’ve just read this after reading of the tragic death of a 15 year old girl who was the victim of cyberbullying on Facebook http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article6841908.ece#cid=OTC-RSS&attr=2015164
My own 13 year old daughter has recently joined FB and I’ve carefully guided her through the setup and talked to her about the potential dangers of using online social networking, she asked some good questions in the conversation. She has been the victim of bullying in the past at school but is much more self assured now in a good small circle of friends, and they have linked up on FB. But she has several ‘friend’ invitations from people she doesn’t know so well at school as well as people she dislikes, so she is ignoring those. This should mean that they can’t write directly on her wall, but of course could make insulting comments about her in her friends comment streams. So far thankfully this hasn’t happened.
It is hard enough parenting a young person in contemporary culture without mobile phone and online bullying by people who claim to be a friend but actually are not. As a parent the best I can do is to be thoroughly familiar with online social media myself and continue a dialogue with my daughter (even when she is being a moody teen!) so that she feels she can tell me about upsetting events in her daily life, whether online or face to face. This way I can hopefully give her a little help in making good, deep, long lasting healthy friendships that are meaningful rather than shallow when the chips are down and also boost her self esteem if the bullying resumes.
Learning to judge whether someone is being a geniune friend or not is a lifelong lesson for all of us. Maybe the Japanese agency does result in some real friendships being forged in due course – I hope so.
September 21, 2009 at 9:08 am
I see why Facebook uses “friend” – it’s a great way to market the promise of the social network. But you’re right about the way that the language of friendship is being cheapened.
Makes me wonder if we’ve always applied the language of intimacy to non-intimate relationships as a way of consoling ourselves that we aren’t as alone as we fear. Even in relation to that ancient technology, the phone, we try to “keep in touch”, “make contact”, and “get hold of” each other.
September 21, 2009 at 10:10 am
I would differentiate between those who I would like to be a friend to (ideally this would include everyone!) and those who have shown themselves to be friends to me by their caring words and actions. My mental model of friendship is based on looking after one another rather than only on, say, spending time at common recreational pursuits. But a full definition of friendship is elusive and probably too long for this comment. It’s very easy to go around saying “that is not friendship” but harder to define what friendship actually is.
I do wish Facebook et cetera would use another word, perhaps “contacts”, instead.
September 21, 2009 at 10:47 am
A great thought provoking post thank you Nick, and I totally agree with the comment left by A Parishiner above. I enjoy facebook tremendously and it has brought me two wonderful cyber friends who I do now feel are my friends and would love to meet up with them (they are in another country). I do not like the term ‘friends’ that they use and am now wondering if I should be writing to them about this – my 12 year old who I won’t consider allowing on until she is 13 (facebook approved age), purely for the fact that she would not be able to descern friends from acquaintances and she has enough trouble trying to descern this fact in real life at the moment and so I am sure will not be helped in cyberworld.
September 21, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Perhaps I am doing it all wrong! I know the people I have accepted as my friends on Facebook, and don’t expect to delete any of them. Time passes, I may lose contact for a while, but friends remain. I was overjoyed to meet a couple I hadn’t seen for 16 years or so at the blessing of friends’ 25th wedding anniversary a week ago.
I wonder how my children run their friendships, but they keep their friendships alive better than I do with people they cannot see from one year to the next using Facebook and MSN. They have different relationships from mine, and they call them friends – perhaps I am just not keeping up with changing technology to support my friendships?
September 22, 2009 at 6:56 am
Very interesting responses. I tried to indicate in my post that there is a massively positive element to new forms of social communication and interaction – which is why I also use them. Robin makes the point, though, that friendship might have different colours depending on what the relationship actually is. My question really is to do with what happens if we dilute every contact to a single level/word. Keep the comments coming! I’m going to do another post on related issues as soon as I get a moment to do so.
September 22, 2009 at 4:38 pm
We need to keep talking here , and keep this whole dialogue in perspective. In my large extended family I am the only blogger , twitterer and frequent visitor to Facebook.My children network at the school gate and at work. What is important surely is that the depth of a relationship (networking or family) is real and beneficial. It is about sharing. I have posted a longer comment here
http://bridteacher.blogspot.com/
September 22, 2009 at 6:25 pm
It is interesting that a ‘relationship’ between two people is not one thing but two. My relationship with you is not necessarily the same as your relationship with me. I address groups, congregations and yes, even you who I have met but twice Nick, as friends. I assume the best – you are not enemies, ergo…
Others need the word to be much tighter and only call their inner sanctum, friendship group ‘friends’. My recent sermon on this is at http://trendleblog.blogspot.com/2009/09/friendship.html
September 24, 2009 at 3:37 am
Awww… I thought we were friends! Does this mean I can’t come round for tea now? 😉
More seriously, I had to learn this lesson with a bit of a bump. The trouble with the internet is that when you interact with people, the main part of your ‘relationship’ is actually happening inside your own head. When you develop a fondness for someone in real life, it is based on a million little visual cues that just aren’t there on the internet, but which our minds almost seem to ‘fill in’ for us. If I am chuckling at a comment, I assume you are chuckling too. If I begin to feel fondly for you, I assume you are beginning to feel the same, even though most of what I’m basing it on is actually inside my head instead of on the screen.
Rough waters to navigate. I wonder who it is rougher for, the younger generation who have grown up with it, or the older generations who got their grounding in face-to-face relationships?
September 24, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Oh, Strawberry! I am waiting for you to come over for tea. Book the flight!